Tried & Tired

Hey guys.

My mind is full of thoughts but for some reason the only sentence I can compose right now is “I tried and I’m tired.”

I’m honestly not even sure if tired is the right word to summarize how I’m feeling but I for certain know that I need a break.

I don’t think I intentionally dismiss my problems, I believe that I am very aware of them but I do think that I try to rush my healing process sometimes. I want to wake up tomorrow and automatically be happy again and I just unintentionally push everything to the side and smile and tell myself that I’ve healed when that isn’t the case.

My mother passing away unboxed numerous of things in my life and caused many things to resurface. I keep getting told that "God will never put more on you than you can bear." And I believe it because I'm still here, and I see my strength. But, why does one person have to be this strong? Why me? I'm taking hit after hit. Just as I think that one wound is healing I get hit again and they all open back up. I'm tired. - “Reflection” June 7, 2020

At first I allowed myself to feel and I expressed what I was feeling but the words of “encouragement” I was receiving from everyone honestly felt like words of dismissal. I don’t blame anyone because I know greif is something we all don’t know how to manage and address well and everyone has been trying their best to comfort me and I truly appreciate it, but I began to think to myself “How long are you going to let yourself feel?” “Life is literally moving around you.” Even “Other people have parents that passed away and they’re floursing so you need to stop it.” And that’s what I did, I stopped. I put a box on everything and told myself that I was ok. That I was strong. I mean that’s what everyone was telling me. to “Be strong.” and what does that mean? That I can’t show emotion? That I can’t cry? That I can’t be sad? Basically what I understood was that I needed to silence my emotional expressions and well… so be it. I’ll be “strong” and move on with my life because that’s what I need to do. I tried to apply it to my life, to my relationship with God. I tried I really did but…I’m tired. I won’t lie there has been progress but I feel with every step forward I take 20 back.

Wow, so I just took a pause because of a breakdown I had…this is exactly what I mean by I need help. I’m living in constant fear, I’m “traumatized”. My dad didn’t answer my phone call and I immediately went into panic mode. My mind instantly flashed back to my mother not answering our phone calls and the frustration I felt because of that. Unbeknownst to me that she was involved in a car accident. But now with my dad not answering I wasn’t frustrated, I was scared. I instantly started thinking of all the worst case scenarios….low and behold the man was just outside mowing the lawn…….. I’m actually laughing at myself right now because dang Blessing it’s okayyyy, get a grip. calm down. But this is how it is for me all the time. Literally every second I’m calming myself down. Either I’m stressed or I’m upset or I just feel like giving up. Anywho back to what I was saying.

I actually feel guilty in a way because I feel like I’ve been on a healing journey my whole entire life. Feeling guilty that I still cry about things that happened so long ago, wondering if my faith is weak because I still get hurt over something I told myself I forgave and moved on from. But, I literally just realized something. My faith is not weak, if anything it is stronger than ever. I’m clinging to God with all I have because I know he is the only one that can help me right now. I know that me serving him will not be in vain, I know that all of this has a purpose. Pain leaves an imprint, just because I’ve passed it over to God doesn’t mean that I’ve all of a sudden forgot about it. I’m going to feel disappointed and helpless for some days. I may wake up one day and see that I’m still being affected by something that happened years ago. That doesn’t mean that my faith is weak or I don’t believe. It’s an ongoing process, I am human but it is through Him that I am strong, it is by His grace that I am free so I’ll just continue to hold onto that.

Healing isn't a linear, sometimes you'll get triggered and how you work through and combat the triggering moments is what is most important.

2022 is going to be dedicated to;

1. Acknowledging my pain, trauma and hurt.

2. Speaking out and seeking help.

3. Learning my triggers.

4. Learning tools and strategies to help me navigate through triggering moments.

5. Leaning on my friends and most importantly God.

6. Being more honest and gracious with myself.

7. Obtaining a more positive outlook on life and not allowing my past to taint my future.

I love you guys and I'll be back better than ever!