Feelings

This month I am filled with an array of feelings.

May…graduation month, the anniversary of my moms return home, and mothers day.

Graduation

Y’all the fact that I even made it to this moment is a huge testimony. When I think about my 4 years of college and all the trials that I faced, all the times I wanted to give up. I can’t help but tear up. I thank God that I had the people I did around me.

Freshmen year 2017-2018: I was so proud. I graduated high school early, in 3 years. This was a huge accomplishment for me and I planned to do the same in college. My first year was amazing 4.0 GPA both semesters. I was very hopeful.

Sophomore year 2018-2019: I battled with pain and depression that stemmed from the sexual abuse I faced. I was alone and scared, had no one to talk to, and couldn’t understand why God allowed this to happen to me. My grades struggled and I ended up on academic probation. At this point I was set back a semester there was no way I’d graduate in 3 years and I knew I’d have to carry the extra course load to be able to graduate in 4 years.

Junior year 2019-2020: I battled with pain and depression that stemmed from the decision I made to get an abortion. I was so low that I didn’t even go to class. Somehow I found a way to blame God and be mad at him again. I said that if I wasn’t raped then I wouldn’t be having sex and then I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant and have to make this decision. I battled with self-judgment and self-forgiveness. I was embarrassed my grades were definitely affected and I ended up on academic suspension. At this point, I was set back 2 semesters, a whole year. I was discouraged but I accepted it, I wasn’t going to give up. I was determined to get this bachelor’s especially with the motivation behind changing my major to Psychology? Yeah, I wasn’t going to give up.

Senior year: 2020-2021: I started off the semester extremely well. I got an override from HCC and TXST and was taking 22 credits and each school in order to catch up. It was difficult but I did it. Somehow I managed to get back on track and was set to graduate on time, I was proud. My parents wouldn’t have to know that I almost failed them, I wouldn’t have to explain to anyone what happened in my undergrad career that set me back, I was proud of how far I’d come. Then my world came crashing down. My mom passed away that summer. That was it. LOL y’all that was IT. I was tired, back to back. Every-time I overcame one thing I was hit again with another. I was ready to take a semester off that’s what I was telling everyone “I need a break” but in my head, this was going to be a forever break. I saw no point in school anymore, in life. With the help of my brother, I decided not to take a break. Instead, I decided to transfer schools which caused me to fall back a semester behind since all of my credits couldn’t transfer. But honestly...I didn't care about the set back because I was just so discouraged.

Somehow. Someway. By Gods grace only I made it to graduation. With all the setbacks I had, I wasn’t supposed to be here yet but here I am. And instead of me to be singing thanks I’m crying. I’m crying because my mother is not here to see me walk.

I can’t help but experience sadness when I reach a milestone or goal because wow…my mom really isn’t here to see this?

It’s not fair.

Mothers Day

I can honestly say this holiday leaves a bad taste in my mouth now. I was fighting with my mom last mothers day, a few days before she died we were fighting, on bad terms, not speaking. I wished her a happy mothers day of the course and we decided that we’d talk to hash out our problems soon but I was still angry and days later my anger turned to regret. I will always be filled with regret on mothers day.

Anniversary : The date on which an event took place in a previous year.

A whole year..I actually cannot believe it. It feels like just yesterday. It feels like just yesterday. It hurts just the same but I’m not able to physically show the pain. I think about my mom every second but I don’t cry.

This feeling is…weird.

Y’all should pray for me this month.

I love you guys.