Jesus Died for ALL...ALL of our Sins.

Here I am, moved by the spirit and I've come to the conclusion that there is no better time to post this than today.

A few weeks ago I asked the question "Why do we act like sin is on a spectrum?" The answer? Society. We've allowed society to alter our knowledge into thinking if I do this I can easily be forgiven socially, but if I do that it's much worse and it will take longer to be forgiven...it has bigger social consequences. This is something I had to learn by experience was false.

I have been struggling with self-forgiveness, with self-conviction, and embarrassment.

I just could not believe how I could still be loved after I committed a sin like this. Not a "small sin" like lying but a "BIG SIN"...an abortion. And this was the end result of multiple sinful decisions; sexual immorality, living a duplicitous life, etc.

This transparency thing is a hard thing, but God is my strength. I mentioned in my last post that after the assault I fell deeper into sexual sin and I definitely reaped what I was sewing. December 8, 2019, I found out I was pregnant. Distraught is not even the word. I felt as if my entire life was a fail, I was finished, I instantly hid my face from God. And if matters couldn't have been worse December 17, 2019, I had an abortion.

The second I found out I was pregnant, I turned away from God. In my mind there was no way he could still call me his daughter, that he could still love me and use me. I was lost, I was scared, I was helpless, I was sad, I was guilty. I felt that I deserved this to be looked down on, talked about, for my parents to be ashamed, to raise this child in what I knew would be a broken and toxic home and I deserved to struggle as a young mother. Everything I was doing in the dark that I knew was wrong finally came to light and I didn't feel like I could turn to God. Because Religion says "Oh I messed up, my Father is going to be so mad and I'm going to be in so much trouble" Relationship says "Oh I messed up, let me call my Father he'll know what to do. I was in the religion mindset and I made a decision in that moment.

In the feeling of confusion, disappointment, anger, shame-fullness, I made the decision to get an abortion. And after the abortion, I was waiting, waiting for my punishment, I was waiting for something bad to happen to me because felt I deserved it. Me, a whole sinner, happy? I couldn't allow it and I basically forced myself into depression. When I tell y'all that 2019 really BROKE me, I've had hard years but this was my worse because I felt as if I brought everything upon myself. I was broken. And funny enough I realized the only person I could turn to WAS God. The only person that could wipe my tears and make me anew was Him. For a moment I kept telling myself "Ok, I know God has forgiven me but I just can't forgive myself." This was due to a lack of faith in God, I was basically telling myself and God that "Your sacrifice was good enough for that sin but not for this sin", I was negating the power of His sacrifice in my life. I searched and searched in the Bible for ANYTHING that would help me forgive myself but I couldn't find anything (If you know something please share). He did not say if you are forgiven you will feel forgiven, He did not say you are forgiven if you forgive yourself. He said "You are forgiven." and that is something I just had to receive and believe.

When you repent and turn away from your actions, God remembers the sin no more, there is no need to dwell on it. 1 John 1:9 and Hebrews 10:17-18.

I am constantly reminding myself that the very reason Christ died was to pay the penalty for ALL of our sins. Saying that I have to forgive myself before I can serve God again is not correct, saying that Jesus' sacrifice was not enough when I know that it is, is not correct. I am choosing to move out of the stronghold of guilt, unforgiveness, and shame. I am choosing to live for Christ and to use this as a part of my testimony so that others may see that no matter what you've done or where you've gone you are not disqualified to preach His word. Repent, pray for forgiveness, pray for change, pray for help. Your peers may know the old you and may only see the wrongdoings you have done but as His light begins to radiate through you, they will see him in you, they will see the change and they will be inspired.