Reflection

Happy New Month everyone! It's been a while and some changes have happened in my life for the better and for the necessary (I don't want to say for worse) but in everything, give thanks.

We've reached the halfway mark of the year 2020, six months in and six months left. I'm going to use this time to reflect on what has happened so far.

I had such high hopes for this year 2020 given all that I went through last year 2019: a rape, depression, an abortion, I declined academically, turned away from God for a while...I just thought that I hit rock bottom that year and nothing could ever cause me to fall further than I did then. I decided that the new year was going to be faith-filled, joy-filled, and just blissful. January 1, 2020, I said, '"2019 was filled with sorrow, sadness, and shame. The power of the tongue is real and powerful. I “jokingly” manifested some horrible things into my life. Trading all of that for joy this year. Speaking only positive words this year. To a prosperous year! Happy New Year!!"

January 2020 - April 2020 were all in all good months. Nothing major occurred for me to feel down or discouraged. The most that I could say that shook me would be COVID-19. An instant shift in my daily routine, but with time I adjusted and adapted so, I can't complain. April I was sad a bit, just because I recently started to tell my story and I was actually participating in two sexual assault awareness events that got canceled...I just felt like I was silenced again but God gave me healing in this area and also in April I lost a friend to his battle with cancer. He fought a good fight, and that was the first time I ever set foot in a funeral home. So I feel April was the start of the decline but it was still ok overall. In these months I spent more time with my friends, I was more intentional in my walk with Christ, there was time for me to really focus on the important things in my life that didn't receive as much attention before and I even began a new Christ-centered hobby. It was as good as it could be.

May, May started off in accordance to the past months I wasn't expecting any major shift in my life, I honestly was just itching for my church to open back up and to be able to go for a swim...that's all.

May 15, 2020, my mother was taken from this earth. All 2019 I was screaming pain, hurt, and brokenness. All of that compared to this? No comparison at all. I can't even describe how I feel. One day I'm "fine", "being strong". Another day I don't want to get out of bed or eat. Another day I'm finding any and every way to blame myself and another day I'm just in denial, I tell myself she's in Nigeria. It's hard and confusing and sad and I still believe it's unfair. I know I'll never be able to know or understand right now the plan that God has for me but I truly just don't see how I'll understand this later.

This happening has made me revisit all my downs in 2019. With all that happened then, I still decided to trust, I struggled in my faith but made the decision to still stand firm. Why? Because of the principles that were instilled in me by my mother. I believed because of her and now she's gone. I keep getting told that "God will never put more on you than you can bear." And I believe it because I'm still here, and I see my strength. But, why does one person have to be this strong? I'm taking hit after hit. Just as I think that one wound is healing I get hit again and they all open back up. I'm tired. I have so many why's? So many questions that I may never get the answer to but I will still trust.

It's funny that I'm saying I still trust but I haven't really been active. I haven't watched a sermon or picked up my Bible or prayed since. I don't know why, but I feel that as soon as I begin my journey again that I'm not allowed to be sad anymore, that I can't cry anymore. That because I know that God has a plan and that it was his will that I'd have to just automatically rejoice and praise before my breakthrough.....it's weird. I don't know how I should navigate this mourning process.

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I'm going to switch topics really fast and honestly, this is how it is for me on a daily. I'm grieving my mother, then I get on twitter and at first, I'm empowered and proud of the survivors sharing their stories then I'm hurt by the foolish comments that are made. Then in one swipe anger begins to fill my heart from the injustice going on in the world.

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I’m living a nightmare knowing my mother is no longer physically with me. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that. I go to sleep with nightmares of my friends and family members dying at the hands of police brutality simply for living. Out of the two, there’s only one nightmare that I can fight to end. There's is only one that I can fight to change. What I've seen, heard, and experienced is enough for me to go out and fight. We tried peace, we are tired. From a whole 1619 till now? I honestly can't believe it. I have no words but I'm going to make sure my voice is heard in every way possible.

I'm going to end this post by saying I know there wasn't any structure or advice/lesson in this to this but hey, it's my safe space..raw. I want to thank EVERYONE that has supported me. I actually cry thinking about y'all because I honestly don't think I'd be where I am right now without y'all. Thank you for picking me up and just being there. I love yall.

Trust In You // Anthony Brown

You did not create me to worry You did not create me to fear But You created me to worship daily So I'mma leave it all right here

My hands are raised because I surrender Your will is what's is best for me I worship you because You're Jehovah Jireh I bow before the King of Kings

No more crying, no more complaining I believe Your word is true Lord, You promised never to leave me lonely So this is what I'm going to do

I will trust in You Lord