Whom Shall I Fear?

As ya'll read in the Introduction, the directions I got was to be transparent and vulnerable and these past few days I've been getting the same if not similar message intensely, so here we go.

I wanna start by saying this week has been SO transformative for me. Please thank God on my behalf. I thought this would have been perhaps one of the hardest subjects for me but it isn't. Strangely enough, there is no fear in my heart typing this and I sincerely express gratitude towards God because if you saw the state I was in discussing this topic a month ago? Growth and Strength.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. I hate that there is such a significant number of us; male and female that have encountered some sort of assault in the course of our life and never would I have envisioned that I would have an encounter. Some of you may know and some of you may not know that last year I was sexually assaulted. I was in denial for so long. Refused to believed it happened.

The assault caused me to fall further into sexual sin, and I honestly couldn't have cared less. Now...I wasn't doing anything insane lol but it was still off-base for me and how I use to behave before. My life began to spiral yet I refused to address it and I genuinely trusted that I was "fine". It wasn't until around October/November that I started to truly observe the negative impacts it had on me and my relationship with my friends.

I just wanna express gratitude towards everyone that was there for me. The individuals that saw me isolate my self and forced their way in, the individuals I totally shut out and directed my anger and resentment towards, the individuals I trusted in and cried with and the individuals that were not aware but were genuinely there for me as friends. I love y'all.

I don't understand how a person could abuse their power in this way, especially someone I called a friend. But I was always told to never underestimate a person. Imagine not being able to breathe because you hear someone’s name or you see them in passing and instantly began to shake. Imagine leaving a location just because an individual was there. I let ONE HUMAN impart such a great amount of fear in me, to take so much from me? And it is just so funny that Psalm 27:1 (NKJV) 'The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?' is my favorite bible verse but in this period of sadness and fear it never came to mind. I felt so alone, damaged, I even felt as if I was being punished. However, God has given me an entire 360. I am more grounded and stronger than ever. I'm disappointed that COVID has caused an event I was supposed to partake in this month be cancelled. I felt I would really be taking a step towards find healing and peace in my position in the conference however like I stated, this week alone has been so transformative and I am healed and have found peace in His Word.

This month is for the survivors, for the fighters. You are not alone, you are not damaged. You are strong. To anyone suffering in silence, I am praying for you.

Please reach out to me or anyone you trust if you want to talk.